Communicating in Relationships: Part 2

Just like Sam in the last scenario, we experience coercion and pressure in all different relationships from friendships to dating relationships. Think about this scenario:

Josh and Tyra are at the movies. Josh wants to talk to Tyra about how she is feeling about the next step in their relationship. His friends have been giving him a hard time because he and Tyra haven’t hooked up yet. As the movie starts, Josh begins telling Tyra how much he likes her and wraps his arm tightly around her. Tyra feels defensive because she is worried that Josh may try to pressure her into doing something physical that she is not ready for. A few minutes later, Tyra storms out of the movie theater and calls her mom to come get her.

Now, let’s identify the communication styles they used. Tyra appeared to be aggressive in her response to Josh. Josh used passive-aggressive communication by saying nice things to Tyra before trying to get physical. Instead, Tyra should have assertively told him that she still wasn’t ready by using “I” messages, and Josh should have respected her boundaries. How would the scenario be different if both Josh and Tyra used good communication skills?

Josh and Tyra have been dating for a few months and Josh wants to take their relationship to the next level. They already have a date for a movie, so Josh texts her beforehand and says that he wants to talk to her about their relationship. Once he picks her up, he calmly explains his feelings to her. Although she is a bit shocked, Tyra understands how Josh is feeling and calmly asserts that she is not ready for that part of their relationship. Josh thinks about this and decides that he still cares about Tyra and respects her decision. They go to the movie and both enjoy it.

Did you notice how Josh calmly explained his feelings and Tyra was assertive, but not aggressive? Calmly discussing your feelings is a key part of open and healthy communication.